Saturday, June 5, 2010

~Are you.....Drowning in abuse~

The action of Abuse knows absolutely no knows no relationship, color, gender or age. It is one of the most shaming, scarring and traumatic experiences a human mind will ever have to conceive and/or overcome.
Abuse is one of those words that society will never fail to turn into is why I have named it a ' HUSH WORD'. It happens every second of every day in every relationship and somehow kept very hush..hush~
Believe me when I say is happening in your neighborhood if not in your own home right now. It is what most people, that are victims work very hard at hiding because of many reasons, shame being one. Another being the realization that they are in fact in an abusive relationship and will be forced to deal with it if they admit it to anyone especially to themselves.
Victims will go to any length to hide their abuse, not so much to protect their abuser, more so to protect themselves. 

Ask yourself these questions...answer them honestly.

-What is abuse to you?
-How far does your partner have to go in a violent manner before you would consider it abuse?
-Have you given up your friends and your family because your partner demanded you do so?
-Do you ignore name calling or verbal abuse?
-Have you forgiven your partner for more than one beating?
-Do you fear your partner?
-Do you stop breathing when your partner gets angry?
-Are you a different person when your partner is in the room?
-Do you feel trapped financially?
-Do you accept the abuse out of the fear for your children?
-Have you ever lied to protect your abuser?
-Do you lie to protect your own reality?
-Do you accept the blame for your partners negative reactions?
-Do you ever hope that things will be like they once were?
-Do you feel like you are drowning from abuse?

Do you abuse your partner?

If you choose to ignore the fact that you are being abused, either verbally, mentally or have only yourself to blame and you are in fact enabling the abuser to continue or to feel justified.
An abuser wears many different hats...acts in many different personalties and is very, very desperate to be in control. Control is the basis of abuse. Fear is the weapon used.  Many women have dealt with it in either their life as a child, their relationships or their work place.  An abuser will use any type of control to win over the victim. A strong and healthy self-esteem is one weapon that an abusive person cannot control. In many cases the abuser will immediately turn away from a stronger more self confident person and seek out a person with a much weaker self-esteem and self-confidence as they are much easier targets.

Why, we ask do they allow the abuse?   I believe it is more than not is so much easier for some women to allow it then to fight it. It becomes predictable, what they know or if they have already been abused, it is all they know. It is also a form of security for them. They can depend on that control to guide them otherwise they would have to be their own controller. 

Life can be very scary when you have no confidence, when you are made to feel and believe that you would never make it without them and/or then we have the fear factor. The type of fear that consumes you, a fear that goes straight to the pit of your stomach. Also the type of fear that disables any type of rational or intelligent thoughts you may have had at one time. This type of fear can also turn you against yourself, always doubting the reality of the situation.
As in any form of abuse, people have a hard time identifying with the fact that they are victims of abuse. It is or it becomes a way of life that until they really notice that it is NOT a happy life, do they start to search for answers or reach out for help. Some never get away and some even die~

I am sure we have all met a person throughout out lives that we either witnessed or maybe just had a feeling that they were being abused...Did we help them or tell them they should leave...perhaps we did... but the chances are great that they probably denied it and  possibly stopped being our friend. It is like any addiction or self-destruction, one must see it for themselves in order to change it.
Not to encouraging, is it? It most certainly is not, but that's why so many good doctors and therapists and just ordinary people like myself that genuinely care about others write books and articles for our  blogs.  We do it because we know that just maybe someone out there will read our articles and will finally look at their life and do something to gain their respect back, before their self-esteem is so low down they can never possibly see getting it up again. 
Abuse is an ugly word and I call it a 'HUSH WORD' .....
because no-one talks about it. 

We need to bring all these words out in the open, there is so much help out here for you. And YES you can do it and YES you can live a good life without it. To beat any issue we fight inside ourselves or in our daily lives is a HUGE step to a better you, a stronger you, a much more beautiful and freer you.

One more thing before I sign off...

Upon visiting one of my favorite Guy blogs..'The Guys Perspective' ..I noticed that they accepted an interesting challenge that was put out to all men, which consisted of sharing and/or passing on a rather upsetting reality check post based on the concerns of women, hate and The Internet
I truly commend you 'Guys' on your awesome character and choice as this post is not only a revealing truth, it is also, in short, 'bang on' as to what has been going on for centuries and still continues on in full force throughout the Internet~ 

The author of this very effective post.. Hate Crimes, Women and the Internet is a dear friend of mine, Cher from AskCherlock ...yet another one of my favorite places to spend my time reading and getting educated on all issues of the world~



Reblog this post [with Zemanta]


A Mom's Choice said...

Excellent post, as many meanings to a lot of people. Abuse does love to hush just like you said. It thrives on it.

heafy said...

nice post.. I agree with A Mom's Choice.. $mile your ads

Anonymous said...

Great post! Although, more people, men and women alike, suffer emotional abuse than physical my opinion. Because it is not outright physical abuse, they fail to recognize that it is actually abuse and probably tend to minimize it more than they should. Why can't people stop controlling others?

Anonymous said...

This post Was very personal for me. One of my daughters is in an abusive relationship. She tries very hard to hide it. Great subject for discussion.

May said...

I agree with you abuse is a ugly word and there is no place for it.

josie said...

I agree with you D, there are women who cannot seem to get away from an abusive relationship because of fear, that even friends and relatives cannot persuade them to leave the abusive partner until it's too late. Another eye-opening post again Ms. D.

Cher Duncombe said...

Dear D,
Thank you so much for the kind words. Thank you most of all for the intellect and perception you bring to the table of awareness on all women's issues.

Domestic violence just cannot be tolerated and women need to know that they can save themselves. Unfortunately, abuse often becomes a sort of comfort zone. At least you know what to expect. Until one day he goes too far and you die. It is that serious.

shengy said...

great post ms. d.

lina@women's perspectives said...

Very meaningful post.
Say no to abuse...

One of The Guys said...

It is amazing that abusers can just sense those that are weak. I have a few first hand experiences with this. One that opened my eyes at a relatively young age.
A very dear friend of mine called me one day and asked me to take care of a situation for him. His sister, who had some brain trauma, had apparently taken up with some bad dude. She was still a smart lady, but had lost some of her ability to make good decisions. This guy was taking advantage of her, and her money. I also sense he was physically abusing her, but I have no evidence of that.
Anyway, I called up three guys and we went over and nicely told him he had to leave. Nothing physical, just a united front. He left, but said some things as he was leaving. One of the guys, not me, lost it and went after this guy.... and there was a such a scene in the middle of downtown Boston, that you would never imagine. I had to break it up, or I'm sure my buddy would have killed the guy. Scary all around.
I guess what I'm saying is, abusers need to be stood up to. It doesn't have to be like I described, but they are like the big bully on the school playground. It's all about having the confidence to say enough!
Thanks for your kind words! We try.

Adrian said...

"Abuse" is not a random action human beings perform.

Though it is a really shameful act, often it has reasons to be explored behind it.

If you don't get to the root cause for the "abuse", you will only see the abuser abusing once more

sandy said...

I'm not sure I agree that people don't talk about it. I've seen, heard, and read much about it. Sometimes it seems people talk too much about it. Actions speak louder.

It's terrible and happens all the time over and over. Sadly, some women get out of one abusive relationship and end up with another guy that's just the same. Some seem to attract that type of personality due to lack of confidence and fear of being alone.

imelda said...

i can relate to the abuses as i was a vicrtim ot this years before, i oput an end to it all and it never went hard as i thought. many women should follow suit

Building Self Esteem said...

Hi, nice write up. I enjoy reading your post. BTW! I wonder if we could link ex-change to my Building Self Esteem site. Just visit my site and leave your site info so that I can add your links. Thank you and Looking forward..:-)

Crystal Raen said...

Wonderful wonderful post. I put up with abuse for many years before finding the strength in myself to leave, you have an incredible blog, please keep it up.

Wilmaryad said...

Well, well, well ... here's a topic I could write a PhD thesis for, couldn't it? :)

Parents are crucial in building and strengthening their children's character. As cliche as it sounds, children are but a blank page on which life values are written. Teaching your kids how to get by in life mustn't happen at the expense of their psychological and emotional well-being. Some kids are slower to grasp than others, and so what? So, parents, I beg you, don't assault your kids, physically, verbally or emotionally, because the world outside of the household will take care of that, in abundance.

Instead, nurture your children, free their shoulders from burdens they are too small to carry, let them play, let them break things, watch them make mistakes, laugh the mistake away so as to avoid instilling in the kid an unnecessary sense of fatality and guilt. Trust me, you'd much rather have your kid make mistakes under your watchful eye than bottle up all those necessary steps towards learning and unleashing them in school or on the streets, which could result in dire consequences that can even lead to imprisonment.

Don't let your anger out on your kids, because you'll make angry adults out of them. So angry that they can't keep friends, won't do well in school/at work and miserably fail in romantic partnerships. If you normalize your abuse of your children as part of their upbringing, they'll think it normal for their future partners to abuse them, too.

This doesn't mean you should spoil your kids rotten until you lose total control over their behavior, in and out of the house. Just don't impose things on them and teach them independence and self-reliance by supervising their choices and enhancing their self-worth, without which they'll grow up to be a burden on society.

Now, if you insult your kids, scream at them, and chastise them for the slightest mishap, stop for a second and monitor your actions. Kids are as deep as water wells when it comes to hiding what's bothering them. So, don't expect your kid to ask you to stop your tyranny. It is NEVER too late to plead guilty of ignorance, to ask for forgiveness, and to prove you've changed by using a more tender tone of voice and displaying less anger on your face. Your kids will, eventually, forgive you because they love you unconditionally and can't understand why you don't.

If you hit your daughter today, she won't find it odd if her future boyfriend/husband abuses her, too. Chances are you'll reprimand her for always choosing losers, forgetting that by abusing her all her life, you had cut off her wings and suffocated her emotional development in the cradle. If your abused daughter has kids, she might inflict upon them what you had inflicted upon her; but if she is self-aware, she'll give them all the affection and care you always deprived her of.

Society is at a suicidal point because there are too many abuse victims. The world out there is a brutal jungle, where an abused lion will be eaten by his fellow lions, because he wasn't taught how to embrace his value as a lion and masterfully rule the jungle. So, mothers and fathers, please, reconsider your approach to raising your kids. Violence only begets violence, and it may even be directed against you by your own children, someday. I'm sure you've all heard of people who couldn't take any more abuse and murdered their parents. Nobody wants this to happen, right?

Thank you, Dorothy!

Unknown said...

Wilmaryad Oscallas ...huggz to you sweet friend. I am in awe of your much so that I will be adding it to my rape and abuse blog as a post in itself.
I can add no more to your very vital and inspiring thoughts on abuse awareness in the home.
I thank you for sharing as I know that this topic does reach inside of your very mind and soul.

Abuse has no excuse and means there should be zero tolerance in every home~

Life Moto said...

you have to know your right. and fight for it.

nancy said...

verbal abuse can also be very disheartening.

Unknown said...

Excellent post on a a very important issue. This message needs to be spread around. Thanks

idon said...

great post, i hope am not kind like to abuse someone :D

Grumpy old man said...

A very sensitive and interesting post. I grew up in a house where us children were verbally as well as physically abused, and my mom only verbally. Only after 18 years of this did my mom have the courage to move out.
What you say about self esteem and then being able to stand up to it is very true. I became a policeman, and then suddenly the abusive language stopped. I could stand up for myself, and although it never got to the stage where I had to defend myself against a physical attack, just the fact that I was now bigger then him, and had more confidence, stopped him from getting violent a few times. (I am honest when I say this, had he attacked me physically, I would have lost myself, all that hatred would have surfaced and I think he would have ended up in hospital or worse. So I am glad that never happened, it would have shamed me terribly)

We had, even in the last years before he died still had our differences, but he died a very lonely man, not one of his children were there when he died, not by choice, his new young and greedy wife's choice. (she made sure she inherited everything, and he was not poor when he died)

Today I can look back, and I can put what I have learned in my child life behind me, and have a peaceful, and loving relationship with my wife and kids. My kids do not hear when my wife and I have differences, there is no shouting, swearing or name calling. We respect and love each other, but make no mistake, we have our differences, but we can sort it out in a humanly and loving way.
My wife understands the abusive way of life coz she grew up in even worse abusive conditions than I did, which I think makes it so much easier for both of us to not want abuse part of our lives.

Great post, and spot on on the facts.

Thanks for visiting, I have been away for a few days, so I have neglected my visits to other blogs.

Hope your weekend has been well Dorothy.

Jacqueline said...

Yes. This is indeed a problem and most people would be surprised to discover who tolerates it on a regular basis. I live close to a city, which is considered the richest in the state, but it receives the MOST reports of domestic violence.

Dee said...

I was going to post a comment when the first time I saw this post but was a bit worried coz I've been trying hard to forget it.
Well, I was a victim. I never tried to tell lies to hide it but I just never want to talk about it... coz even now it still hurts me inside :(

ps: thanks for link me back and thanks for the nice comment. Have a great weekend 'D'.

annon said...

Thank you for writing this post. This issue is the core of my work with my clients, .

Abuse doesn't always look like we think it might, but the bottom line is simple. If a behavior is intended to hurt, control, or intimidate, it is abuse.

I've lived through it myself, and coached countless women through it. The issue at the core of the matter is how much you love yourself and what you are willing to settle for.

Thank you for sharing.

C.J. said...

I could write a book about abuse, do you know that we are the only "things" that abuse? Animals don't. hmmmmmmm and we think they are dumb. May God take the hurt from our hearts.

tech news said...

nice blog.. exchange link to me.. confirm please.!!