Monday, June 15, 2009


I received an interesting comment from one of my loyal readers...ShantanuDas and as I was formulating an answer to his questions...I decided to share my thoughts with my other very intelligent readers and also allow you to share your thoughts in turn!

*Is Love nothing more than Lust to men?
*Is it true that marriage needs sex like a food?
*Can love not be devoid of sex?
*Is loving ones partner the same as wanting to have sex with them?
People all think differently and they all value people differently especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
When we are talking about how men think and feel about Love, Sex & Lust....these are my thoughts.

First and foremost............



Tey said...

Love lust and sex goes together but without love, sex has no meaning at all.
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Joemill said...

I personally think that sex is an essential thing to make the relationship work. Just like food, guess you mentioned that. It is a basic necessity. But allow me to say, that above all else, sex should be founded on LOVE. Sex is vital but don't let it consume or devour the relationship so to destroy LOVE per se. Make sex, perhaps, 20% of the relationship.

You can never love if you think of lust. The two don't grow together. :)

Jennifer James said...

Enjoyed reading your article "Love..Lust.. Sex!" its one of best writings I have read on your blog :)

Unknown said...

you have a great way of writing that makes it easy to understand what you are saying. i happen to agree with this post. thanks for sharing.

Bonita-(^,^)- said...

like this post...hope u can visit me back...followed ur blog, hope u can follow me too...thanks...take care!!

Unknown said...

love ur insights!

ShantanuDas said...

Hi Dorothy.. thanks for linking my relationships blog.. Unfortunately I am not writing nowadays and am concentrating only on photos and when I feel like writing again.. I will probably write on the photoblog itself with matching photos to convey the mood.

You do have an analytical mind.. thoroughly dissecting the relationships between man and woman... You have taken me up on the question asked in your last post and have amply covered most of the aspects and have concluded correctly that love which is based on sex alone cannot last..!!

I will share a few more thoughts. Yes.. people are different.. I believe that if you or I can think of anything that can be done even if you and I may not be doing someone somewhere in this world is or has probably doing / done it.

Like I think of standing up on my head and eating food.. someone may have done it in some corner of this world. Why I think so? Because this world is too huge.. and each is a different person.. so all variations will exist.. Extending THIS Logic to your post.. I think there are many sor of people.. some may also exist for eg whose lust lasts forever.. and so their relationship also lasts forever.. and of course when he becomes too old to have sex.. he is also too old to leave his wife.. so they last till death.. getting me? Quite possible that such men exist.

Trick of marriage is to have similar type of feelings towards sex and love.

For eg it may also be that some couples exist whose love for each other is still intact even if they do not have sex for years altogether and yet they are not old. and their relationship is based on a totally affectionate grounding.. and comfort and peace and sweetness and all that..their relationship may not require sex at all. Well.. why it is so.. is a Psychiatrist's research Subject.. maybe something from their growing up.. maybe their need for affection is stronger than need for sex.. or whatever..

In this one aspect I am differing from your view that one moves from sex/lust in your age to love and companionship in old age.. as I said it takes all type of people to make this world..

Like an older person marrying a very younger woman may NOT be just for daughterly and fahterly feeling.. it may be exciting him to have sex with a woman his daughter's age although she too is an adult..

My wife once asked me this.. and I said yes.. if I ever meet a sexy girl (sexy as per me!) in a closed hotel room and she offers herself to me.. and if I get aroused.. [i may not get.. as not all woman arouse all men and vice versa] then I will do after all I am a human being..

Now before my comment becomes longer than your post (as you can see now why I have stopped writing.. it is because once I start writing my mind goes on and on with different thoughts and then my fingers start paining and time flies away.. and time is very much in short as you know) let me conclude my comment with one natural corollary to my question and your analysis here. This is even more tough question I think.. because most will say No it cannot happen.

If love is not connected to sex. [of course if this assumption itself is wrong then the question next s irrelevant] -- Is it possible for a man or a woman to allow her wife or husband to have sex [one or many times] with someone else to have the pleasure of body only and not love the sex-partner but at the same time... continue to love each other and remain together?

For this to happen, the person who allows the other to have sex outside (and not have himself or herself outside in return)-- what type of mind this person has to have?

Is it a totally mad mind-- the easiest thing to comment of unexplainable activities
A totally spiritual mind
a mind which is totally separate from the heart? This last one means.. mind= sex.. the sex trigger is in the mind.. and love is in heart.. if these two are totally seggregated so the person treats sex and love totally disjointedly maybe this can happen?


ShantanuDas said...

Just some addl thoughts.. on what I just said.. a sort of summary of my thoughts

SEX sans love =lust
Love sans sex = can exist and not just at old age
love is not essential for sex.
Sex is not essential for Love.

Is it possible for somebody in this world to exist who can love someone else while having sex with someone else? [As I said the world is too huge.. you think of it and bet somebody has done it!]

Unknown said...

Once again Shantanu...

Hello...ahhhh do tend to write a do I. I fight that all of the time on my blogs anyway.

Yes there are many varieties of relationships...the ones that slowly loose sexual interest and continue to live contently through common thoughts and ideas is most likely what people strive for in the end of their days.
It is hard to compare the early stages of a relationship to the later stage. Many people also enjoy sex with their partners and at the same time are also attracted to 'strange stuff' for lack of a better term.

Then we have the couples that love to share sexual pleasures with other couples stating that what is private between them a a couple is their love for one another and sex has nothing to do with it.
In my post I was trying very hard not to cause too many forks in my thoughts and wanted to simply answer your questions through my mind.

I do not put much investment into what psychiatrists state as they tend to generalize and/or use theories they read about as opposed to real life.
I have always been a bit of a skeptic when it comes to therapy and whatnot.

The great thing about our being human is that we all have the freedom to our own thoughts and perceptions.
What opinion may work for one person may not work for the next. But in life we generally have a balance.

I feel we would make good penpals as we seem to have the same thinking capacity about people. It is always enjoyable bantering with like minds.

As always I look forward to your thoughts!

Unknown said...

@ Shantanu....
LOL...I agree...with such a diverse world of people we definitely would find many, many different types of relationships and perceptions of Love, Lust & Sex:)

cherlock said...

Sex and lust are part of being human, but intimacy is probably just as important. I don't mean the sexual gratification, but rather developing a deeper spiritual connection with your partner and having "knowing" sometimes without words needing to be said. I have laughingly said at times that any animal can copulate. It takes a human to relate. If we can do that on deeper levels than along with sex, I believe the foundation for a strong partnership emerges. That becomes true fulfillment.

Maria said...

This was a n awesome post! Very yhought provokig to say the least. All I can say is that given some of the scenarios you presented, it is no wonder the divorce rate is so high - lol.

luz said...

i just love the way you express your thoughts D... and I won't be tired reading it again and again ---

big hug for you ;)


Chloe Ling said...

I think it's always like a battle of the sexes....woman thinks that sex is not the important thing in a relationship...but it's otherwise for the opposite sex!

Master Yoda said...

Try to poke my nose here...Ms D.

For as long as I know. Love lust and sex and their relative co-relations with each other maybe are one of the oldest debatable topics in human world. I bet this was also discussed among Abraham's shepherd...and went back to a certain point in time where the title The World's First Prostitute can be applied to a certain woman (or a man, to be fair), whoever he/she was.
And, although I like the post, I must disagree on your closing sentence Ms D, (that "Love cannot be found nor can it survive through only sex or lust!") for I believe you can find love through lust and sex. You know, lust comes first...than sex (provided that it is consensual and mutually-satisfying-you-both-crave-for-more)
Not always, but it's surely possible. What's easier than to love someone who can give you bodily (heavenly?) pleasure? (Many break-ups/divorce reportedly stalled in one's side just because the yet to be divorced partner is so good in bed, I might add.) I bet this is easier than the casual dinner-first-have-sex-3-weeks-later relationship.
My personal belief to this matter is that you can't love what you can't touch. Even if you claim that you do can love what you can't touch, what you feel after you make TOUCH will definitely dwarfed what you feel earlier.
And yes, you're right, that it's impossible to maintain love through sex and lust, because they're are different things in the first place (just like you beautifully described in your post)
BUT, As to the relation of Sex, Love and Lust to a relationship, i believe that they should co-exist together, for I strongly believe that even love can't maintain a relationship single-handedly. After all, it's not what you feel or what you think about your partner that signify your love for her/him. IT IS WHAT YOU DO, and at this point, sex do come in handy (where as lust is needed to make sure that the handy side of yours is always around).
Sorry if it's not as clear as I want it to be, Ms D. Writing something in a hangover state do results in such thing. Smile.

sexy legs and body said...

Wow Dorothy, brilliant post, I am not going to say any more, as you said, everyone has an opinion on the subject, and maybe every second one is correct, one thing I can say though, and I say this because of experience, if a relationship starts with sex and lust, and then develope further, it is normally doomed. Love should come first, and then develope into sex or/and lust. By the way, I am 17 years older than my wife, but on a logical point of view, she is much older than her 30 years, she is my equal and maybe a bit more when it comes to logic and intellegence, so we have a wonderful relationship. :-)
Great post and I really enjoyed reading it.

Anonymous said...

really love all your blogs

schizoshrink said...

aww. long as there is love, so be it.. just stay away from philandering..

Maricel said...

Just read this post. I couldn't agree more with the comments posted that not all people have the same point of view regarding these 3 (Love, Lust, Sex). Base from experience, I came to love someone from lust/sex before, which after few months resulted to a broken relationship, due to the fact that the guy was only looking for sex... From this, I learned never to trust someone who wanted to bring you to a hotel on a first date, even though the guy would promise the whole world for you (I was young and naive - lame excuse I know, LOL!)... Now I'm not generalizing this as some strong relationship I know came from lust and sex. So I guess it's just a matter of experiencing and knowing what's best for you.

Maricel - Momhood Moments

Unknown said...

@ Master Yoda
So nice of your to share your thoughts;)

Indeed...I did say that Love cannot be found only through lust or sex.
'Only' being the operative word.
It takes several ingredients to create a relationship that is a healthy and lasting one.

Also there are many different types of relationships and yes many people have many different ideas as to what they deem as a priority in their marriage.
As some stay together because of good sex ...finances...children, even fear of loneliness ..these reasons are not out of love.

A relationship that stays together out of love..does not need sex if the couple share a like mind.

Yes sex is an important part of a relationship as it is a private, personal unity shared between the two..but it is not the glue that holds the love in a relationship.

These are my thoughts...I respect your thoughts in turn as they are how you feel and that is your right.

I will add also that as people age and/or their relationship grows..priorities do change.
How you feel today about life will not necessarily be how you feel in 10 0r 20 years.

I can attest that at a certain age in my life I felt that sex was very important although when I look back was only important because it helped me feel secure in my relationship and gave me a feeling of acceptance that I obviously did not have on my own.

So again...we all do things for different reasons and with age and experience those reasons begin to change. It is called the rhythm of life :)

I do love the way you think also Master Jedi...I would as I mentioned to you in your shout to know your age:)


Chris said...

wow! really liked this post you put together. I have heard that for most guys, sex provides a sense of accomplishment, as in they enjoy pleasuring their partner.

Unknown said...

I agree that men needs sex like a food. They cannot survive a relationship without it. But if a person is mature enough and does love his partner then it becomes lovemaking ! But a relationship full of lust and sex will not last long because eventually it fades away. But if a relationship was founded by love, everything else follows.

KAT said...

What a wonderful post this is!! You truly have a way of capturing the reader and providing tons of information to think about at the same time.

I think that whether you are a man or a woman, if you don't have love as the base of your relationship, it will fade quickly. The sex is so much better when there is love behind it, because you can let go emotionally. The lust part if you are not in love, is just a fleeting emotion that needs to be satisfied, but if you have love, the lust you experience for your partner increases ten-fold, because once again, true emotions are involved and it is a much more real "lust" because you know exactly what and who you are lusting for...which should make your partner very satisfied indeed.

You keep writing, and I'll keep reading!!
Take care!

glee said...

Wow! This is such a great site with so much to learn about relationship, etc. As great wisdom as yours D, as well as the others commenting here, requires time, experience and careful analysis coupled with intelligence. Sharing these wisdom is certainly much beneficial to younger people.

Enjoyed reading your post. Five stars :)

Anonymous Jedi Master said...

Dear Dorothy. Thou art not wise to ask what age A Jedi Master is, for they keep it secret more like The Sex and The City's chicks.
If thou ask my real age, I would say I forgot because I've been around with the Force for so long I can't remember. Though Jedi Masters are wise beyond anything, they do have long-term memory loss and, yes, they do have hangovers. But...since it was my duty to come to this feeble world called Earth just like my predecessor 2000 years ago, I'd be glad to inform you that in this life, I've trapped in a 27-years old body who apparently running out of words as he writes these.
You are close to guess that, huh? Maybe you are a Jedi, too? The Force is so strong with you.
Keep practice my Young Padawan. We shall meet again.
This humble master thank you so much for the aspirin you gave me. Help with my hangover that is.
Love, Sex, Lust and Rock n Roll!!!

Bing Yap said...

hi DOROTHY! what a wonderful post you have here :)

what i have learned in life is that.. if you can still love a person even when sex is not or no longer possible, then that is true love.

men can have sex with a woman they do not love but women, well mostly i suppose, can't have sex with men without feelings involved. there are exceptions of course but i'm talking of the general rule here.

blessings to you my friend!

bing (",)

•°°• IcyBC •°°• said...

Great post, Dorothy!

Your analysis on love, lust, and sex is truly insightful. Very enjoyable read.

Meryl (proud pinay) said...

Love is the greatest gift of all ^_^
But couples need sex...which is also a way to express love ^_^

Hero said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
genial said...

why d'ya untitled this one?!?!?

researchers found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same motivations. It’s more about lust in the body than a love connection in the heart.

Whisper said...

Great post Dorothy

Garry said...

For me sex is always better and more meaningful when you truly love the person you are making love with. I know that from previous relationships, that when the sex side of it dies, the relationship dies!

Anonymous said...

I agree that love, sex, and lush are absolutely different things that happen between woman and man.

But it is up to woman to create with her partner what she wants to have.

Anonymous said...

Ya, love, lust, and sex are different things that happen between woman and man.

But it is up to woman to create with her partner what she wants to have.

Forgetful Princess said...

i came to read the love, lust and sex post!

Very interesting post!

Clarissa said...

In my opinion,without love,sex has no meaning.

Have a great weekend,Dorothy L.^_^

Struggling Parents said...

A man doesn't really fall in love until in their late 50's, its all about'm involved with someone who is 67, 18 years older and he's a sweetheart.well that's just my 2 cents ..have a wonderful weekend..;)

gab's mom said...

"Love cannot be found nor can it survive through ONLY sex or lust!"
-very true!

i enjoyed the post and asked my husband to read it... he said you're a good writer who says it all. :-)

Wisata Ciamis said...

how are you friend?

if actually talking about sex and love. that sex is an expression of love is felt by the second pair is in love with each other.

every creature need sex and love, including human ...

Maus said...

like your article here
informative and really true
keep blogging..

rachmattullah said...

sex life needs is the most important, the spirit of life comes from love and sex is the objective.
greeting from;

Hossam Shawky said...

nice topic,go on dear

processor said...

enjoy reading your article...

Saif said...

you are right about 'pubescent' sex..i have been there..
and i have read somewhere this "LOVE+LUST=SEX"....this is what i think now..
nice blog and great posts :-)

BK said...

Sex and lust certainly doesn't last, just as the dust will eventually settle down. What keeps a relationship going on after that will be the love for each other and the companionship.

I believe a lot of people who ended up in broken relationships went into them for wrong reasons and when the reasons were no longer there, they would become lost. The relationship has grown and developed but they have not grown beyond the reasons to love, they will eventually end up in a broken relationship.

Quoting Paulo Coelho, "One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving." I tend to agree with this quotation; if there is any reason to love, it must be 'love' itself.

moongoddesslae said...


lina said...

I like the way you describe the meaning of love, lust and sex. I prefer maintaining love in my marriage. Love will last forever...

BIZRIL said...

Good article Dorothy, i like read this.

My resume is:

love came from the heart, not influenced and or controlled by brain, sometime love have no logic.

lust and sex came from the brain and sometime controlled by heart.

love, lust and sex can appear together and also can appear separated

That's all depend on peoples character and psychology.

Unknown said...

Hi Dorothy,
I really like this post, you have smartly used the right words to explain about Love, Lust & Sex. WOW!

THE GUYS said...

Love and Lust are so intertwined that sometimes they are hard to evaluate by themselves.

Lust is a huge part of the courting game, but it's also great if it continues in some form with a loving partner.

Love keeps a GUY committed. This stems from mutual respect,common values, admiration, and genuine "I really like this person a lot!" When you add all those things up, it's really love. But of course Love can't really be defined that simply.

So here's a quick summation:

After sex if a GUY wants to leave as fast as he can, it's lust!

If a GUY wants to cuddle or hang out afterward it's Love!


Info Tek said...

I see so many peeps in bad "relationships" which makes me say "WTF??"
One thing I've always prided myself on is choosing, wisely, my significant other (or whom I decide to date, etc.). That's probably because I was raised by 4 strong RESPECTABLE Caribbean women (my mom, stepmother, grand mother & aunt). Hence I've never gotten involved with "women of no substance" so to speak.

Sometimes if I'm single, I may date women, but nothing further transpires because I don't feel a bond -- a connection (er LOVE).
On other occasions, I will fall heads over heels for an enchanting, intelligent (I find smart women SEXY!!) women who makes me feel like I'm on cloud 9. These types are the keepers, and I'll devote my all to them.

However, I NEVER rush into love (er serious relationships) because I've seen many bad examples from friends, family, etc. Hence I don't mind lust or sex when I'm not in love because, let's face it, orgasms are AMAZING! :-)

But when I do find love, then love + lust + sex = HEAVEN.


- Max "The IT pro"

Galit said...

Yes, a relationship is more than just sex because we as human beings are more than just sex and lust.

Personality Development said...

LOVE, LUST and SEX are the three part which go in the stage of LOVE. Firstly we get infatuated or attracted to opposite sex, then we proceed to propose him/her. If in case we are successful to make bond, we further our step and LUST is there which automatically enter then after it being concentrated.....SEX thing is the last which not only gives pleasure but also increase LOVE more more and more....

Anonymous said...

In the beginning lust knocks ,all being equal between the abounds..and from the sharing of LOVE often arrives,lasts and stays till death,even though the two may seperate,
Love asks for nothing,it just is,just accepts,makes no assumptions,no judgements..someone commented that in a relationship both parties need to share the same feelings towards sex/love/lust..I would agree,from personal experience it is possible to love someone ,but not want sex with them,so this love remains pure and simple is also possible to love someone,lust after them and have sex with them which is not sex but making love,but still not have a full relationship with I said love just is..remember that old cartoon LOVE true :)) My self I am greedy and I need all aspects in a full time relationship :)