Thursday, April 26, 2012

Being single in a relationship~


In a relationship one of the first mistakes people make, is in depending on the other to an unrealistic extreme. People repeatedly wonder where they went wrong once they realize, that they fear the loss of their partner only because of the fear of being alone, and/or when they lost their ability to be independent of another. Unless you were born a twin, or were forced to be very dependent on someone throughout your life, being alone is one of the most natural ways of being. A relationship should not be about surviving on your partners air that they breathe. It should however be about allowing that person to breathe along with you in your space, vice-verse.
We can be single in a relationship, single in the sense of continuing to be you. I am not talking about being selfish when I speak of being single, I am talking about being your own person first.  Being single in a relationship, is also the sense of knowing full well that even if there are days, months, even a lifetime that you will not be able to spend with that certain someone, that you will survive and be happy within yourself. This is not to say that, people do not miss a partner that they have lost, or the happiness that they have shared. Being single in a relationship means being dependent on you because at the end of the day... it is only you in reality.
People tend to depend on their partners to make them happy, and/or to make their day a good day. This is another mistake made over and over again in relationships. It is utterly impossible for one person to make another happy unless that person wants to be happy first. A single minded person chooses to be happy before they expect another to make them happy. A single minded person can sleep in a separate bedroom and not feel in any way, that it will  make or break their relationship. When we are new to a relationship, we genuinely loose ourselves in our partners. This is a time when we must be very aware of how easily we can loose our independence. Our independence gives us a certain strength which is vital to our ability to continue to grow in a healthy and balanced direction, which in turn creates a healthy and happy partner. I have met many people that seem to think they need to constantly be around others, which for many of those, that same need has played havoc on their relationships. In not realizing that it is because they do not think independently or choose to not think independently, they have allowed that fear of being alone to control them. Our thoughts do very much control our destiny.

 A relationship can only be successful when the partners involved are there out of true commitment and choice and not out of a dependency on the other. 



MsHoney Doll said...

This entry is very interesting and honestly it is the true. You can not see your relationship if you constantly suffocate your. This is also about feeling secure, I feel like if your an insecure person then you start to doubt that you can stand alone. Every thought you was doing just that before you met you partner. Which causes dependency. You have an awesome blog. your entries will help ppl see more clearer.


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Janet Gardner said...

This is so true, depending on your partner to make you happy is very unhealthy. You need to be happy first with yourself and in turn you will have a healthier relationship. Being clingy and insecure will definitely lead to resentment from your partner!
Another great post!
Janet :)

Kristen said...

I had never heard of the concept of being single in a relationship, but, this really resonated with me. I'v been married for 15 years and worked hard to not lose me in "us". The main reason for this is that I figured he married me because he liked who I was and it isn't fair to him to have the woman he loved (s) disappear in there.

I also love your tagline, "love spoken here."

Anonymous said...

I've been trying to say these exact words to the young ladies in my life, and now you have made that very easy for me. Thank you. I am going to post this on their FB.

sim said...

nyc post..This is also about feeling secure, I feel like if your an insecure person then you start to doubt that you can stand alone. Every thought you was doing just that before you met you partner.

Spicy said...

I am going through this right now, thanks for the great words of advice

Anonymous said...

Hi Dorothy,

I am really a fan of your blog. everything is really so enlightening.

I love how you are able to understand and explain things that others can't.

More power to you!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cdot said...

I think/thought people should enter relationship as whole people. But have noticed that people enter relationship they way they are, where ever they are in life. Maybe they think if they wait to become whole they will not be in a relationship. I guess that is why there is so much dependency and insecurity in relationships, because the people really do need each other for various reasons. In a perfect world maybe this would work, but I'm thinking that there really is a need that people are hoping someone else can help them fill.

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