Wednesday, July 14, 2010

If I only knew~



If I only new~
If I only new that you were going to ignore me..
If I only knew that you were having an affair with another...
If I only knew that you stopped wanting to make love to me....
If I only knew that you would stop being my truest  friend...
If I only knew that you were not going to want me to be with you when you went out...
If I only knew that you were going to put me at the bottom of your list of care and  priorities...
If I only knew that I would become that partner that was complained about at your  work-place...
If I only knew that you would stop communicating with me and chose someone else's time and ear...
If I only knew that our lives were going to choose different directions and not look back...
If I only knew that you did not understand the true meaning of the word partner or commitment....
If I only knew that I would be doing 80 % of the work in order to maintain and keep our relationship strong...
If I only knew that you would be the one that would rape me of my confidence, self-esteem and myself...
If I only knew that the one I most trusted, cherished and loved would be the one to initially break my heart...

If I only knew...


After reading this...does it not make you want to be damn sure that you have taken the time and patience to really know as much as you could possibly know about the person that you are choosing to hold and protect your heart?
Most of my thoughts are directed towards making sure and knowing that you are not going to be the one writing that little poem of misery I have just shared with you~
There is no perfect situation or relationship...so stop looking for it. There is no promise of a lifetime relationship as people do die. But what there is...is a knowledge and an awareness that only comes with time well spent in getting to know your partner before you hand over your heart and soul.
People do change...yes..that is a given fact. It is..... in which direction..  they change and how aware of their change.. 'you are'..  that is the key in your ability to change in the same direction... or not.
You are not simply shopping for a new pair of jeans here or a new car...which many people are guilty of spending more time and concern doing as apposed to who they chose for a partner.
There are a lot of good relationships out there and those relationships are built of trust and respect for each other. They are not built on hopes and dreams or fantasies of what we see displayed on daytime television. 'Anything worth having is worth waiting for'....we have all heard those words of wisdom so many times,  but do we ever stop and apply them? Waiting and working for something earns rewards and it also comes with a solid foundation which is vital to any successful relationship.
Awareness of who this person really is and where he comes from is the air that allows your relationship to breathe freely later on.
Watch this person out in public...watch how their friends treat them, who their friends are. Watch how they react to certain situations. Get to know a lot of who they were before you both met... who their families are...the relationships they have with their family and friends.
All of these things will be very helpful in your really getting to know your potential partner.
Most of all and I have said this hundreds of times...lift up those love blinders...and look at this person as a potential partner for your sister or best friend...how would you scale them for a person you care about. Once you have acknowledged who they are and not who you want them to be...then you can lose yourself on that oh so sweet feeling of love~


~A Vital Key....be true to yourself in who you are..
 .. then you will be able to identify the right partner for you~



~D~






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42 comments:

Wilmaryad said...

Ah, somebody who understands how constructive it is to objectively analyze every piece of info about the person with whom you intend to embark on a lifetime adventure! Just for that, Dorothy, you're super cool in my book of cool peeps. ,-)

To think that some call you "anal retentive" for minutely processing the conduct of a date. You're not doing it to his face, anyway. It, usually, involves a phone call to friends, or a post on your blog, after the date. plus, you're not going to sneak into his apartment when he's at work, tap his phone conversations, or treat to dinner and incessantly question his mother.

Granted, we cannot know the man inside out and build our life around our perception of him. But just like an economist can predict recession, so can you foresee the potential and longevity of the relationship. The economist does need to gather and analyze data to foretell an economic crisis, after all, right? So, why not you do the same? Heck, you may even be dating a complete psycho, so good at dissimulating the side of his personality that will make you write the "If I only knew" poem if you end up marrying him!

I lost a guy, a good guy, a year ago, because I wanted to take my time and get to know him better. I wanted to also make sure I wasn't diving into a shark's wide-open mouth, thinking I was heading into the ocean. But he, sadly, falls in love as quickly as he falls out of it, and after bumping into somebody at a conference one weekend, he fell madly in love and broke up with me.

Why did he move on instantly and it took me a year to swallow the bitter pill? Because he quickly reacted to my red flags by quickly moving onto somebody else. I, however, witnessed many red flags in him but took it upon myself to give us both more time to know each other better and, hopefully, be proven wrong.

First instincts, NOT impressions, are usually accurate. So, trust what your gut tells you about the guy. A woman may play a man, then go home and feel bad for it. But a lousy man won't.

Many of my aunts have blindly fallen in love with and married men who do not treat them as lovingly as they deserve. These women have renounced to their careers, lived on coupons for the husband to amass some money, sold all their jewelry to secure a roof over their children's heads, lost their figures for being trapped at home all day, forgot the notion of going out to dinner with friends, minced words when they found private calls on their husbands' cellphones, and even pretended not to know they were cheated on with the next-door neighbor's wife.

And they did all of that, not out of weakness or submissiveness, but out of devoted and unconditional love.

So, love is cute. Smart love, on the other hand, is a bombshell. This is a lesson I am learning, because I used to be more naively romantic than a Jane Austen character. So, think twice to avoid biting yourself fingerless with regret, especially to prevent it from involving kids along the way.

Dorothy, you squeeze off of me every iota of subjective experience, and it feels as good. Thank you. :)

P.S. Those darn comment boxes are so tiny that one can't even edit things. So, for what it's worth, here you got raw emotion. Cheers!

Dorothy L said...

@ WIlymard.....
SO true it is not a very wide open are to share ones thoughts especially when they come freely and passionately.
So many thanks once again for allowing us to feel your passion and enjoy your very real and consuming words in which I do take credit for drawing out ~
We are not in the old ages anymore... choosing a partner and the reasons for remaining in a relationship are not as simple as they once were. We are more self-serving now than ever and this is why it is so vital to step back and really figure out not only who you are but who this person is that you are ready to risk every emotion in your body for~

Love your analogy of the economist...it definitely works~

Anonymous said...

It goes both ways you know. Humans being what they are can often be imperfect and unreliable. I had none of these problems after my first wife decided that life was greener elsewhere, but it turned out for the best. Now don't get me wrong, I loved my first wife as much as anyone could love anyone else, but having said that and nothing detrimental about her character, I went about my business as usual realizing that none of us own anyone else and let bygones be bygones. The strangest thing happened after learning how to be a bachelor and live alone, the little girl I dreamed about as a child came to this country looking for me and we have been married ever since and love couldn't be any grander. We just passed our silver and are hoping for the golden anniversary, life is good to those that treat life as it is meant to be.
Dr Robert E McGinnis
https://www.createspace.com/Preview/1070228
I also have a book titled "In Search Of Paradise" now in the fourth edition and written soon after my long ago divorce. Isn't it great when we have a happy ending to a story. That's the way I live and the way I write. Best to you and yours.

Dorothy L said...

@drparadise...
You bet it goes both ways. Everything in life has tow even three sides to the situation or story.
I am very happy to hear that you managed to find a true and lasting relationship.
Thank you so much for not only dropping in and sharing your story but also for sharing a link to your book and site.
I look forward to reading your book~

windflowers said...

if i only knew...that hurt can make me given...ya...give until its hurt, like mother theresa said...^_^

reanaclaire said...

sounds kind of sad... if only we knew.. what was going to happen, it would not have materialized in the very beginning..
i lost my husband.. if only i knew i was going to lose him, things would be different today..

reanaclaire.com

Aulawi Ahmad said...

such was the live..i think :)

sexylegsandbody said...

Dorothy, you hit the button on the nose, specially when you say judge the person as someone you will allow to go out with your sister or best friend.

My opinion is also this, see how the person treats people who servers him, like the waiter, or the petrol attendant. If he is nice to them, he might, and might is the operative word, be a good person. If he always treats them fairly and friendly, he is more than likely a good person. Also, you do not know a person until you see him loose. Then the true character is displayed. Also when under the influence of liquor, if he gets aggressive when intoxicated, that is the kind of person he is. Everyone can only live a lie for so long, eventually the true you will emerge.

Thanks for sharing Dorothy, sad poem but true.

Thanks for the kind words in your comment on my last post, she has read the comments I get and I guess she feels maybe a little bit better about being in the lime light. :-)

Have a sunny day.
Colin.

Anonymous said...

Wow...that was pretty intense. And so true. I love the statement that there is no perfect relationship, but at the same time, isn't that what we always look out for? something that doesn't exist? Why do you think the wedding vows say "for better or worse"? That in itself should attest that there is no perfect relationship. And the statement that you should size up your potential man as if he was going to be with your sister or friend. Great advice. We get those blinders on and when they finally fade away and we see the man for who he really is, we accuse him of wearing a mask and withholding who he really is to us until he knows it is safe to take the mask off. I am guilty of that with my own husband. However, to me, the perfect relationship is the one where the couple can eventually accept eachother for who they are and work through their problems...even if it takes a while. A perfect relationship is one that does have fights...not one that caves and rolls.

Great post...I need to have my step-daughter read this :)

Dorothy L said...

@ Lisa...
Most definitely the tool most effective in a successful relationship is that both partners work through the bad as much as they are willing to enjoy the good~

Awareness is right in front of our eyes in every decision we make if...we can only open our eyes and see it~

Christy said...

This is a sad post. I sort of understand though. I'm married. At the moment not happily. But I have two boys to think about. And vows to remember. If both people in a relationship expect 10% and give 90% then they will make each other supremely happy.

Wilmaryad said...

That's true, Dorothy. If one believes in destiny and ends up meeting one's soul mate, one still has the free will to choose to stay or leave.

We just had enough of the brain always saying to the heart "I told you so."

Dorothy L said...

@Christy...

Life is not always a bed of roses or maybe it is and in order to appreciate the beauty of the rose we must also deal with the pain that comes with the touch of the thorns.
When we can meet reality checks head on...and/or be aware of the risks involved in commitment, then maybe ...just maybe we will lean back and pause for one moment longer instead of rushing in blindly for fear of losing something that we just may have found. We as humans fail to realize that it will still be there and even better, if we can just learn to pause~

Patience is most definitely a virtue as is hind-site~

lina@happy family said...

I agree, there's no perfect relationship. There's no perfect partner, too.

My partner isn't a perfect man. But he can make me feel so loved and cared; it's more than enough for me...

askcherlock said...

Dear D, this was a deeply emotional post with much wisdom. How many of of us have said, "If I only knew...?" I hope all readers pay close attention and grasp the wisom you present.

Hugs...

RE - RecycledFrockery said...

exactly perfect Ms.D - as always. very good advice with a lil sugar to make it go down easy.

Silvergirl said...

very deep and its all true.. I can sense this words, it comes from the heart itself..

thanks for this post

heafy said...

it's so sad post.. but we can take something from it.. thanks

One of The Guys said...

Your words are beautiful and wise. Not much more to say.

VanillaSeven said...

To don't want to get hurt in relationship is like not wanting to be punched in the boxing match. As long as both party can think for themselves, differences will always be there.

sandy said...

The key is to grow together, people do change, some grow and some don't; sadly some grow in opposite directions-- but communication is key.

I happy to say hubby and I just celebrated our 37th anniversary last month. Had Mom lived she and Dad would soon be celebrating their 66th. Marriage isn't always easy, but a good marriage is worth the work. I often say in this new generation of big elaborate weddings after people have lived together for years, built a house together is silly. The wedding isn't important, the time, energy etc. should be spent on the marriage.

Sandy

gleenn said...

That's kind of scary, to find yourself writing that poem. But I'm sure there are ways to avoid it.

How are you D? :)

Bella said...

Dorothy, I was frozen when reading your lines. It opens up my way of think. Thanks for the enlightenment.

Vernz said...

Woooah, that's pretty strong, you hit me and I woke up, thanks for this Ms D.

If only I knew I could have refused to have myself boxed in this world I am now... it hit me, for sure!

JENIE=) said...

SELFLESS LOVE is what everybody hopes to have but not everybody gives back what he/she expects...then a few months or years after those words of regret comes to haunt...tsk! tsk!

nice to be back here, ms d!

see my blogs again
HEALTHINFO@EarthyMe
heartQUAKES
life round meNyou
at-a-blink

Sera Melinda said...

"There is no perfect situation or relationship...so stop looking for it. There is no promise of a lifetime relationship as people do die. But what there is...is a knowledge and an awareness that only comes with time well spent in getting to know your partner before you hand over your heart and soul."


that's my favorite part of ur post. Inspiring! :)

Helen said...

Oh how so very deep and oh how so true! Thank you for sharing... you write beautifully!

elvira's roundabout said...

if we only knew.. then we will never do anything that will cause us pain, sorrow, and sadness, and without them we will never be strong.

deejay said...

nowadays is difficult to find real someone in your life. i think we need classes for Love 101 - searching the right partner.

How to Build Self Esteem said...

"There is no perfect situation or relationship...so stop looking for it.

There is no promise of a lifetime relationship as people do die. But what there is...is a knowledge and an awareness that only comes with time well spent in getting to know your partner before you hand over your heart and soul."

I agree 100% with this. Relationships, unfortunately, are not perfect. People are not perfect. I have seen many a client whose life fell apart and whose self esteem got destroyed because they saw only what they wanted to in a person.

Knowledge and awareness, as mentioned, are powerful keys to navigating through life and especially to dealing with relationships and potential relationships.

I especially love the analogy that Wilmaryad used with economics, this is so amazingly true. By collecting and analyzing data we are certainly better informed to make decisions be it about dating, finances, or life in general.

In my opinion, it's those of us that rush the getting to know you process in dating that truly miss out. I mean, isn't that what dating is supposed to be about? Getting to know each other so you can determine if there is a compatibility or a connection that is worth pursuing?

Additionally, elvira's roundabout, makes an excellent point as well... without pain, sorrow, sadness, and disappointment we simply wouldn't know or understand the value of happiness, joy, peace, and contentment.

Crystal Raen said...

Not sure that this was entirely what I needed to read right now LOL not quite in the right state of mind for it, but loved reading it all the same, keep sharing! I'll keep reading.

Kirsty said...

Hi Dorothy!
I was passed on to this blog by Colin from Sexy Legs and Body. Glad he told me about this site. Love the poem. Every one needs to remember that relationships and people do change over time it's just a matter of growing together, not apart. :)

Gary Anderson said...

Betrayal is the most damaging and hurtful emotion. I have betrayed and been betrayed. If I could take it back I would not have betrayed. And yet, I was to young to make an adult decision. It doesn't make the regret any less.

ManOverBoard.com said...

D I don't think you ever really get to know the person you end up getting into a relationship with, until your actually are in one. The more serious the commitment, like marriage or moving in together, the more you get to learn. That is when, after time passes that the true person comes through. Your perception and your reality rarely are the same thing. Your focus always becomes sharper the longer you are together.

At my age I don't look for perfection, just honesty and reliability. Of course both of your goals should be nearly identical. If I were ever to be in a serious relationship again, my first priority is that they become my best friend that I enjoy being with 24/7 and they are open in their feelings.

It is soooo true how many people have blinders on when first starting out and continue to have them on, maybe hoping that things will change or that you can adjust. But the older you get, the wiser you are and the best part about dating at my age now, if I were to date again, what they see is what they would get, whether it is tomorrow or on my death bed.

I would be their biggest cheerleader, their trusted caregiver, a person who will make them laugh and one who can spend time hanging together doing nothing and enjoying it greatly. The best place to be in the world would be in a nice little house where they would be there waiting for you and vice versa. The best part of the day is snuggling in bed just before you drift off to sleep.

If I ever thought that someone was cheating on me, then shame on me for being that stupid for not seeing all the obvious signs that are always present.

Ultimately, your heart does play a big part of your decision from day one and if it isn't there, then it is highly unlikely it will ever be there.

Oh and for me anyway, they have to love animals truly and that always tells me, at least what kind of person they are. You can't always go by how their kids turned out, although it is a great indicator, some kids are either bad because that's who they are or are amazing because again that is how they turned out. I know many a good parent who have given everything to their off spring to only see them become a horror story by no fault of lack of caring and love throughout there formative years. And yes the reverse is also true.

ManOverBoard.com said...

D I don't think you ever really get to know the person you end up getting into a relationship with, until your actually are in one. The more serious the commitment, like marriage or moving in together, the more you get to learn. That is when, after time passes that the true person comes through. Your perception and your reality rarely are the same thing. Your focus always becomes sharper the longer you are together.

At my age I don't look for perfection, just honesty and reliability. Of course both of your goals should be nearly identical. If I were ever to be in a serious relationship again, my first priority is that they become my best friend that I enjoy being with 24/7 and they are open in their feelings.

It is soooo true how many people have blinders on when first starting out and continue to have them on, maybe hoping that things will change or that you can adjust. But the older you get, the wiser you are and the best part about dating at my age now, if I were to date again, what they see is what they would get, whether it is tomorrow or on my death bed.

ManOverBoard.com said...

I would be their biggest cheerleader, their trusted caregiver, a person who will make them laugh and one who can spend time hanging together doing nothing and enjoying it greatly. The best place to be in the world would be in a nice little house where they would be there waiting for you and vice versa. The best part of the day is snuggling in bed just before you drift off to sleep.

If I ever thought that someone was cheating on me, then shame on me for being that stupid for not seeing all the obvious signs that are always present.

Ultimately, your heart does play a big part of your decision from day one and if it isn't there, then it is highly unlikely it will ever be there.

Oh and for me anyway, they have to love animals truly and that always tells me, at least what kind of person they are. You can't always go by how their kids turned out, although it is a great indicator, some kids are either bad because that's who they are or are amazing because again that is how they turned out. I know many a good parent who have given everything to their off spring to only see them become a horror story by no fault of lack of caring and love throughout there formative years. And yes the reverse is also true.

Pinay Expat said...

Whew! This post really hooked me to the bones. Indeed, it takes a willing heart and compassionate spirit to carry on with a struggling relationship. It's worth the wait, it's worth to keep, and my idea is that, we must always do our share in keeping relationships alive no matter what it takes.

NURSING BOARD EXAM 2010 said...

I love to read this epistle of yours... very dramatic. Thanks

livintheblues said...

every person you meet...every person you become involved with speak silent words of the body soul and heart...if you listen you learn much...often times we don't listen or choose to ignore those silent words

Jacqueline said...

When I was younger, the words of the poem were my words. All the pain, insecurity and misery came rushing back again.

But I got lucky. It's been 17 years now that we've been married and I consider myself very, very LUCKY. (Considering the world today in regards to the instability and lack of respect in relationships ... Yes...I call it LUCK.) Nevertheless, it still takes work.

Thanks for sharing this much needed information.

Ravi Rai said...

I never knew that someone can be so emotional through their blog and the way you presented with the 3 words "if I knew" is just awesome.Good

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Friends 4 Life!