Sunday, May 2, 2010

Where have all the good partners gone?

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We all know that even just the thought of dating makes us nervous and question our self-confidence. Simply put...dating is hard. It seems today that it is harder, if not seemingly impossible to find a suitable partner. Especially one that has equal or similar morals and goals. After too many single nights of disappointments and guilt ridden, time invested experiences, our resolve quickly melts down to the thought of possibly living alone for most, if not the rest of our life.

In listening to thoughts of many males and females, one of the most common complaints I keep hearing is that there just are not any good girls/guys out there. They are all singing...'Where have all the good partners gone?'

Another question that also continues to be in the forefront of so many seeking a relationship is...'Is there such a thing as a long term relationship anymore?'


Everyone wants to succeed in finding that right partner...well if you are asking the right questions and listening to the answers, your chances are pretty good. Remember this not only important but a vital key ...it is to not hear what you want to hear, but to hear exactly what this potential partner is telling you.
So many of us later on in a relationship wonder why this partner has changed so drastically...not realizing that it is not necessarily that they have changed but more so.. your understanding of what you heard or interpreted when you first began to question this person has changed. You are now seeing and hearing what was really being said.


I believe that a lot of our confusions lay in the fact that many of us date or enter into a relationship with way too many expectations.. this is exactly where we manage to confuse our ability to hear and see a person for who they are.
Have you ever wondered where the term, 'Love is Blind' came from? Most likely from people that experienced this exact issue in their relationship once the blinders lifted. That oh so sweet 'evanescence' feeling that comes with falling in love can also cloud the real picture for some time, leaving us to wake up one day and wonder who the heck this person laying next to us really is!

Another common flaw that we have when seeking a partner is that we tend to paint the wrong colors on our own self-portrait as we feel we must meet certain expectations in order to be accepted by this potential partner. Also knowing who you are is vital to being able to get those colors right initially. If you really stop and think about these typical courtship flaws... you will be able to see just how misleading we ourselves can be when seeking a partner.

Desperation to be with someone is also another reason many of us choose the wrong partner. We are blinded by this fear of being alone and/or that having someone/anyone is far better than having no one. Again...stop and think before you venture. If you can grab a hold of those desperate thoughts and remind yourself, 'this will happen all in good time', chances are you will succeed. You will also save yourself much time and agony which would have been wasted on choosing and loosing the wrong partner out of desperation.

In answer to, 'Where have all of the good partners gone?'....It is not so much that there are good or bad partners as much as it is ones good and bad choices. Be more aware of who you are and who they are before you take that leap and you will find that right partner and you will have that long term relationship in which you seek.






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23 comments:

Barbara said...

As always, you give the best advice. This was an enjoyable read, as are, all of your posts!

VanillaSeven said...

We simply can't use our set of expectation on our date. Looking at the person without any expectation is the best way to understand them

imelda said...

yes this is one of the good posts u have here about relationships. It is indeed hard to stay in a relationship.

Wilmaryad Oscallas said...

It is uncomfortable when the other pours on you their accumulated unmet expectations on the first date, or the first chit-chat.

It gets worse when they jump and cheer with excitement when they detect in you something they like. It's cute but you don't have to tell me ... yet.

But the worst case scenario is those people who want to be in a relationship regardless who it is with, stripping you of everything unique that makes you who you are. him off.

My own experience is I, as a teen, had always wanted to rush into things and got brokenhearted because of no reciprocity. Now that I'm 27 and a a bit wiser, I want to take my time but only meet guys who want instant relationships, or as I call them "Nescafe" romance. :D

Ah, love and romance make me s!gh.

sexylegsandbody said...

So true, and if you wonder where the good partner has gone, I married her....hahaha....

|Valid points you have here Dorothy, if you stop searching, the right partner will come to you, if it doesnt happen, then it was never meant to be.

Colin.

lina@happy family said...

I believe in words : what you think is what you get...
I believe that I'll find a good partner...and truly I've found it :)

askcherlock said...

There are times when I think that being alone for a period of time is healthy, especially after a bad relationship. If we can be introspective and honest about our own flaws and imperfections, we may be ready to accept someone into our life who also has flaws and imperfections. We all have them. It then becomes a matter of degrees, and more importantly values. I do believe there are good partners out there, but being too eager can lead one into a deep pit that then leads to disappointment.

One of The Guys said...

Great topic, article and points Dorothy!

One of the biggest issues I see is people falling in love with falling in love. They enjoy the giddy, exciting feeling of "newness." But they don't actually KNOW the person, they just know the feeling they have.

Like you said, we all have to open our eyes and really see. Open our ears and really hear.

It's too bad we couldn't set up a dating service connecting all the women and men who say there are no good women or men out there.

The Fitness Diva said...

I agree with One of the Guys.... so many are in love with "being in love". That's one of the reasons there is so much cheating going on in the world right now. Once that first bout of giddiness of a new love wears off and the reality of being in a relationship kicks in, the adrenaline junkies get bored and have to start looking around for the next new thrill.

I also see far too many people (especially women) in relationships that are absolutely miserable and/or toxic simply because they're afraid to be alone, or they think that having a mate is what validates them in society, their community or in their inner circle. These also include abusive relationships.

Where are all the good partners? Who knows, but one thing that I think many people need to realize is that life without a partner is just as, and sometimes even more fulfilling than they can imagine. And a damn lot less stressful, too! ;)

May said...

I been stopping by you posts and dropping ECs. I wanted to comment you on your insights. This post is a excellent read. It is not easy to maintain a healthy relationship. I believe that a strong relationship can enhance the possibility of a more spiritual, social, respectful and abundant life.

Anonymous said...

Ain't that the truth! I always said the good men are either married or gay! And how true about the mask at the beginning of the relationship. I tend not to sport that mask ever...you get what you see with me. But it is so decietful for those that try to make themselves something that they are not. When they do this, those of us who were being real with themselves and their partner suddenly feel they are not with the person they fell in love with anymore. by then it's too late. Great post!

RE - RecycledFrockery said...

excellent post Ms.D - and I agree with you. we need to start partnering with OURSELVES First. if we are not able to be happy with us, then no one else can fill that hole.

josie said...

We will never know a person on a first meeting, it will take some time to fully see the real person behind that person... don't just jump into a relationship because we think this is it, learn the lesson from a baby moth who was burned to death when he came too near to a fire because he was attracted into it. Nice post Ms. D as always.

ManOverBoard.com said...

First of all another great picture for the post. You do an amazing job with your pictures D. They are worth the price of stopping by themselves.

Now as far as answering the age old question " All the good ones are taken" Or as you put it, there are none out there. I think it depends on your age and what your expectations are.

When your young, relationships come and go rather quickly and without much thought as to the length or depth of the relationship.

I believe when you grow older and understand more about who you are and what the reasons that you are out dating in the first place, then you are better armed to face the trials and tribulations of "the dance".

I know from my own experience when I was younger my expectations of who I would date were much higher then they are now. I don't envy anyone who is out there dating right now. But I do know when I was dating a few years back, what I looked for in a partner was so completely different then when I was younger.

I truly didn't go out of my way to dismiss anyone on the basis of looks. That is a good thing as we become older and wiser that truly physical beauty is one of the worse criteria to base a relationship on.

I looked for someone who had a positive outlook on life, who wasn't all about themselves and someone who I could easily communicate with. Someone who had close to the same goals in life and most importantly someone I could see myself with 40 years from now.

You wrote many great points in your article especially you shouldn't be looking with blinders on. I do believe though that comes from experience and maturity. Until you have reached that level then you are more then likely to end up with the same type of person you have always been drawn to.

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kristine said...

Indeed, there is no such thing as "the right partner". Couples need to be different enough to be compatible. We all at first see everything that is beautiful in our partners and that everything is beautiful in them. We tend to set standards so much that we do not realize we are being blinded by our own expectations already. Thus, we fail to see who the other really is.

Tina T said...

The role that choices make is a great point. I have a wonderful friend who has been with the wrong guy for ages. She's been searching for a good man for over a year, but she met a lot of great guys over the last 8 years when she was living with Mr. Wrong. Too bad, because the good partners do seemed to get scooped up a lot faster as we get older and learn to appreciate how hard it can be to find a good man.

gleenn said...

That's very true D! When all the red flags are ignored, when we just see what we want to see, there is potential danger. I keep hearing this and I do believe, we cannot changed a partner, we can only change how we perceive and accept them. But sometimes, or most of the times, our hearts may just fall for a wrong heart. And later on, thus the question, where did the perfect patner go?

Another very insightful post.

Coupon Trunk said...

Great article! I'm glad I've already found my soul mate.

tzongyih said...

haha...
After reading the post and feedback of Vanilla Seven, i think what you said are so right, love it.
Thanks.

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