Sunday, September 13, 2009

Porn, Girly mags and Internet fantasy girls.


I read an interesting post written by 'The Guys Perspective' blog, one of the newer members of what I consider, My circle of Blogger Friends.
This article was about men and their innate sexual desires in comparison to a Rams sexual drive.

After reading this article ...I could not get the issue of this 'innate need or desire' to view pornography, Hustler/playboy magazines and/or the, 'oh so' available Internet airbrushed fantasy girls out of my head.

I know that we are a very diverse society and in saying that we all have our own thoughts and interpretations of everything. In a relationship it is vital to to be communicative and on the same page as our partners when we are dealing with emotional issues especially sexual activities.
Yes..the sexual part of the relationship is strongly emotional for the female. Just as the visual aspect is for the male. This is one of those important issues that is a must to deal with in the early stages of the relationship. If you are aware of an emotional issue your partner is suffering from and you commit to the relationship regardless......then it will be up to you to bend a bit more in order to support your partner. It is vital to respect each others thoughts and feelings about sensitive and personal thoughts and feelings.

If a relationship consists of one partner who sees nothing wrong with viewing pornography, fantasizing out loud, looking at a Hustler/Playboy girly mags or even photos of perfectly airbrushed young provocative women on the Internet and the other partner does not...then this relationship does have an issue. The balance needed for a stable understanding is most definitely offset.



The sexual part of a relationship should be approached freely and eagerly. Sex is about fun and enjoyment with your partner in a physical sense. Neither partner should have to pretend or feel that they cannot be honest if they do not desire the same thing.

We all know that nothing stays the same forever...as that would be horribly dull and non-stimulating. As time goes by...relationships along with the partners involved, do change.
Again it is essential to remain on the same page and/or follow the same roads through out those changes. Communication being a vital key through out the entirety of the relationship does make it possible to overcome many of the changes that come with the ups and downs of life.



There is no right or wrong in the bedroom between couples as long as they are both are in 'honest agreement' to what each other desires. Choosing a compatible partner of the same mind set makes it right.

There are many different female and male mind sets where sex is involved. Each mind rationalizes differently about the viewing of pornography, girly mags, and/or Internet photos.
Being aware that we are all different and we do not all see things in the same light is also a key to picking the partner that will be compatible for you.

Below, I have listed as many mindsets in connection with this topic that I have run into through my years of research.

There are woman....
that...do not care where their partners gets their sexual appetite or fantasies from as long as they come home for dinner....so to speak!

that... have absolutely no problem viewing pornography or even watching strippers with their partners.

that... have no problem having sex with another women in front of their partners or even including their partner.

that... will go out and purchase Hustler/Penthouse/Playboy girly mags for their partner.

that... feel it is what is expected of them or that they have no choice and it is what the man wants and desires that is the priority.

that... act as if they do not care when the whole time they are feeling humiliated even violated, yet for some reason continue the fasaud of enjoying what is going on in their bedroom.

that... do not appreciate their partner viewing photos of women in order to get in the mood so to speak.

that...want to feel that they are their partners fantasy girl .

that... do not appreciate nor condone what strippers do or stand for.

that... do think pornography is demeaning women of the norm.

that... do think that men can get very confused as to the real image of a woman's body in comparison to the, 'oh so perfect' airbrushed photos from magazines and the Internet.

There are men....
that...view pornography or girly mags out of habit and/or as a way of socializing with the guys.

that...think it is their right of passage as a man to view pornography, strippers, girly mags, and/or sexually explicit and provocative photos.

that...cannot for the life of them, understand why any woman would be threatened by a photo of a young, perfectly airbrushed female stretched out in 100 sultry and provocative positions.

that...hide their need or desire to view pornography as a means to get turned on.

that...confuse a woman's interpretation of their need or desire to view pornography, girly mags, Internet photos as a means of control and feel suffocated by it.

that...pretend they are not interested in viewing pornography, girly mags or Internet photos...and then eventually begin to sneak around to view it, later on in the relationship.

that...do understand and respect their partners interpretation of his need or desire to view pornography, girly mags and/or Internet photos.

that...do not prioritize their desire or need to view pornography, girly mags and/or Internet Photos above their partner's feelings.

that...do feel they are disrespecting woman when they take part and add to the demand of pornography, girly mag and/or Internet photos.

...I am reaching out to you very intelligent and independent thinkers and would love to hear your thoughts on this issue.
~D~

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47 comments:

THE GUYS said...

Dorothy,
We love being part of your circle of friends. And you are part of ours as well! We're also pleased to comment on your post.

Honest communication is the key to any solid partnership. Talking about sexual desires is vital for any healthy relationship, because the physical aspect of a relationship can be just as important as the emotional or intellectual ones.

THE GUYS, as well as our friends, all are devoted husbands and boyfriends.(That is true!) Sure, we like to look, but not at the expense of our relationships. And never if it's uncomfortable for our partners. You make a good point, that it's only fun if both parties think it's fun. But isn't that true for almost anything? A joke. A surprise party. A vacation. Without good communication any of these can be a problem. And yes, believe us when we say, even a vacation can be a big problem!! :)

Although we make a suggestion in our post about buying "one of those" magazines for your partner, it still needs to "work" for both parties. But just to clarify. It's not about airbrushed girls, it's about fantasy and variety FOR FUN! In fact, most GUYS we know, DON'T LIKE the airbrushed look because it's not real. Funny, because we're assigning "real or not real" to a fantasy, but you get the point.

As always, your post is thoughtful, intelligent and thorough.

THE GUYS

Anne said...

Dorothy, what an article you have here! very informative. I am keeping my visit you once a day atleast.

Thanks for your daily visit to my blogs as well leaving inspirational thoughts as always.

keep on posting friend.

Emm said...

I don't mind if my husband looks at stuff like that but then I am highly visual too and love looking at pictures of men, in return. I also have running crushes on a variety of celebrities.

I thought this was cool and normal until recently when the marriages of a couple of my friends fell apart. The women in those relationships had always been really vocal about their celeb-crushes and we even belonged to a group online called "pervy wenches". But their marriages fell apart because they got to a point where they just didn't like their husbands anymore.

So the opinion I now have on this kind of stuff (which has changed from my previous opinion) is that fantasy is fine but you can't live in that fantasy world all of the time. It should be a treat and not all you think about, a bit like chocolate.

shengy said...

hi ms. do..well, i knew for sure that we have different mindset...that is why sometimes people will turn to quarrels if this is not properly addressed...

constant communication is the key to all. by this, understanding each others opinion is not taken for granted..

ShedLife said...

..ahahah..this is great..some posts defines me actually..well..constant communication is the best key to this temporary yet meaningful feeling..

askcherlock said...

D, you are completely right about partners needing to be of the same mindset. I don't mind "girly" magazines and do not consider my self prudish. I do have concerns about where porn can lead.

There may be a point when even the fantasy is not sufficient and one partner, or both, turn to a more reality-type stimulus such as threesomes. That gets into treacherous territory.

What, if any, are the boundaries in porn? What if it entails little girls? Fantasy only lasts so long then couples will be faced with where to go next for stimulting their intimacy. It needs to be approached with caution. And perhaps with finding interesting ways of approahing sexual intimacy with one another rather than porn. Pornography is a road and each couple needs to decide just where that road will lead and how far they are willing to go.

Mencari Blogpreneur Sejati said...

Hi Dorothy, well I thing your article so informative and motivate especialy for woman. Love your articles so much :)

Cecile said...

Dorothy, thanks for the nice thoughts you left on my cbox :-); God bless you, dear :-)!

Spicybugz said...

I read this post yesterday, and have been thinking about my feelings on this topic since. I know when I was younger, I didn't like my husband looking at girly mags. I think it had everything to do with my insecurities back then more than anything else. Now that I am older, I don't really care if my husband would look at them or not. He doesn't. I really don't think I would mind if he did though. I have enough self confidence in myself that those pictures don't pose a threat to me. I also have enough confidence,and self respect, that if it did bother me, and he continued to do it and disrespect me that way, I would just walk.

Shinade aka Jackie said...

Hi D! I finally made it in. I am running wicked late.

We had sunshine today and I played around.

This one is short and sweet for me and for Walter.

Neither of us like porn or find it in anyway appropriate under any circumstances.

If other's do that is their business and we don;t judge.

But, Walter, being the father of girls sees all women as if they might be one of his daughters, sisters or even me his wife.

And he would not like to see us displayed or spread across any pages for other people's viewing.

We both find it degrading to all women. So just call us old prudes. But, our children are fairly young and they have the same opinion.

I hope you have a great weekend!!
Jackie

VanillaSeven said...

Dorothy,
Very interesting topic :)
I believe the quality of sex itself based majorly in the thought of both party. The quality of sex from two loving couple is surpassing two party who didn't.

sexylegsandbody said...

Dorothy, well, I am of the opinion that this is a subject that leads to the end of plenty of marriages. I agree with you that whatever happens in a couple’s bedroom, as long as it is by mutual agreement, or consent, no problem. However, as soon as one has to sneak around doing what he or she knows will hurt the partner, well that is where the trouble starts.
My motto is, especially in a relationship, do not do to others that you do not want done to yourself, easy as that.
What a great post, really makes one think!
Colin.

Meryl (proud pinay) said...

Nice post Ms.D.
All I can say is,every human has different attitude and perception towards life. We have similarities and differences in some ways.
Love your post.

Margo said...

I like your point too, that partners need to agree. I do think the approach can be more of a slippery slope for men since they may become more dependent on the visual drive, moving away from the emotional drive, that on some level is bringing a female partner to pornography. I could see how this could perhaps lead to a couple slowly growing further apart. I think if porn is not used in small doses - just to spice things up here and there, addiction and a real roving eye for males - or always needing better, more and different - is a bit inevitable.

Jen said...

Everything in moderation. I don't mind if my partner wants to look at porn occasionally but if he were to spend all his time looking at it, and not at me we would have a problem.

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xander said...

sometimes i like watch porn and sometimes not
it very helpful if i not mood to have sex with my wife

nash said...

i also believe that honest communication helps much in keeping in a relationship solid. But of course on the other end of that, don't forget not to listen... And listen without assuming what your partner will say or do. This not only helps your love life, but also the sex life... =)

Tina T said...

I think you covered every scenario when it comes to the very delicate issue of how men and women define and feel about pornography. I think that as long as both people can respect how the other one feels and can agree on what is acceptable for them as a couple then they should be fine.

gleenn said...

Hi D! This is a great topic.

I don't mind if my boyfriend checks some porn videos. I know that the reason he does is to get some sexual tactics and stuff. However, excessive watching is another issue. And I'm glad it isn't excessive for him. For me, i also occasionally check out some sexy mags but only about women. I adore a woman's body I see it more beautiful. And also, I read some Kama Sutra mags and articles and the stuff I got from there serve useful to me to understand more about sexuality.

And I agree about the importance of the same mind set for partners. I believe on sex after marraige and my boyfriend respects that. Whatever comes in between, we discuss and that gives us a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

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Jen said...

Good article, and I wish this was somethign addressed more. Especially in regards to feminists, who seem to be so universally silent about the destructive effects of porn, I wish that more women would speak out about the negative side of pornography. If feminists would, they might be taken more seriously.

nancy said...

Growing up in a more reserved culture, i still find pornography demeaning not only to women but also to men.

although I don't judge people who do watch it anywhere they get it. Out of curiosity i have watched one movie and flipped few pages of porn mags but that was just it.

would i care if my man will do the same? maybe yes, maybe not. depending on far the porn images and activities influenced his sexual opinions.

Man Over Board said...

Interesting topic and one that will be around for as long as there are men and women involved in relationships.

I can only speak of my own thoughts on this matter and of course this is a males perspective.

When you are younger the fact that you found, read, and devoured every word, picture or video you had the chance to get your hands on. I believe it is perceived as normal.

Even has you grow older I do not think it is a bad thing to enjoy looking at others as I believe many of us engage in this human condition called being a voyeur. (It happens with car accidents on the side of the road also).

I think it all comes down to perspective and frequency as to when or if this becomes a problem in a relationship. I myself rarely ever seek nor look at porn anymore. Maybe because I am older and "done that" or maybe because the thrill or taboo is no longer a driving force as it once was.

Those men out there that use porn like any vice to an excess will find themselves in a boat sinking.

If there is good communication between both parties, then looking at or enjoying this activity should not be a problem.

eden said...

to me, i dont mind if my hubby views pornography as long as it is not always.We have trust with each other and that's the most important thing. I never see him viewing it for a long time, though. I watched it for the first time in my life just for curiosity sake.

nice A said...

This is another interesting topic, Ms. D, and you discussed it brilliantly!
I and my hubby have been sharing to other couples especially to young ones how we achieve this special gift of sexual fulfillment, which is a key ingredient of a happy marriage. We usually tell them that open communication is vital if both parties want satisfaction. We can tell each other openly and honestly how we feel about a certain style.
If seeing a porn may help in learning new styles for a new kind of pleasure, it's not an issue to me as long as it does not become a habit. At the early stage of our marriage, I and my hubby did look at some porns together with that purpose in mind. And yes, we did learn something new to both of us. But now we rarely do it as the kids are growing and we don't want them to try doing the same unless they are old enough to control their drives.

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setyawan said...

your posting very informative. i love it. i will back to your blog. nice to meet your ms dorothy

you are the light of the world said...

hi,
Similar interests, mutual respect and strong attachment with each other are what friends share between each other. These are just the general traits of a friendship.
To experience what is friendship, one must have true friends, who are indeed rare treasure.

I have added you to my blogroll, hope you can do the same thing for me so that we can have constant communication.

you are the light of the world said...

nice post keep it up.

David Funk said...

Dorothy, I did read this the other day, and you hit on great points as you always do.

I'm of the belief that people make the choice to view what they want which to me is no different than someone making the choice to not view a blog they don't like. No one makes you view porn or anything related to that.

Personally, there's a fine line between fantasy and reality that some people aren't always aware of. There's more to life than the physical aspect in a relationship as you know as well as anyone.

Thanks for the great article, Dorothy!

Blogger Corner said...

hey dorothy! though i'm very vocal to my partner about celebrity crushes but i make it a point that I don't have real life crushes because i wouldn't want him to do the same thing or feel the same thing with other women. i believe that marriage is a a serious commitment between two people. i wouldn't feel comfortable if my husband goes gaga over porno mags and such. ;)

MegaMan The Madman said...

Interesting..the world seems to revolve around in one way or another the natural differences in sexual instincts between men and women, porn to me is predatory, both in the making and in viewing it attempts to generate income,marketing..just analyze a commercial and you can determine who its marketed to, men or women..The Muslim world just overs its women up to prevent men from looking..

I think in the long run just accepting that we have differences and understand them will go along way to prevent the predatory and demoralizing attempts that groups use to benefit from our natural human instincts..

Well..Hey I'm a little long winded..

RE - EntrePOD said...

Ms D. it's so hard to be seen as a pair of tits and an ass; but society made us appear that way. why do we tolerate it, that's the big one for me.

your post breaks down the reality into bite sized chunks that anyone with a hint of sense can digest.

You are the voice of reason and a woman of great wisdom, please keep spreading it, as we need as much as we can get.

Hugzzzz XOXO

William Wallace said...

I personally gave up on porn a long time ago. The buzz or thrill I use to get from porn magazines or movies faded, as I got older. The real thing is always so much more fun.

I think that being with a woman that is sexually on the same wave length and the buzz and excitement you get from such a woman, makes porn seem so dam boring. It is always much more fun to be in your own porn movies or pictures as opposed to watching others!

Not so long ago an ex girlfriend asked me what famous woman I would like to sleep with. She thought it was funny that I couldnt come up with one single famous lady I would like to have sex with.

Dorothy said...

Dorothy your right it is so important that you both have similar thinking as to what is important to you physical and mental needs. It can be devastating if one or the other feels deprived of their wants and desires.

Great article and a lot to think about for even this old lady.

Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com

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misterdicious said...

Hi! Nice topic you got here.
I think there are many people view porn in many certain ways, some enjoy it for lust, some enjoy it for art, etc.

Fantasies & imagination are sometimes requred to spice up our lives, although TOO MUCH is of course not good :)

Yen said...

I like your insight here. thank you for putting in writing here, nice topic.

KAT said...

Again, another outstanding post, sorry I haven't commented sooner, I have been struggling with virus' and computer problems.

But, on a good note....An award is waiting for you over at Candles, Crafts and Whatnot. Congrats!

:) Kat

Aryo Halim said...

i think man is interesting too

Shinade aka Jackie said...

Thanks for always dropping in. You lift my spirits with every visit!!

Hugs,
Jackie:-)

ando said...

nice posting, i like it. very interesting.

stigma no more said...

HI Dorothy,
I love this post. My husband and I recently went to Aruba with two other couples. They shared a place and me and Pete had our own place. Before we left for the trip I was at the beach with the two other women I was going to Aruba with. They both were saying how they did not want to have sex while on vacation. I was looking forward to being with my husband on vacation and even ordered special surprises for him. During the vacation I think they could all tell how intimate the two of us are through suttle hints and words. We were very affectionate with each other in public. We have been together 26 years and our sex life is at its best right now. So I felt sorry for the other couples they have also been together for 25 yrs. I spoke up to one of my friends about it. That maybe you are not emotionally happy and if you work on that in your relationship the physical part would come back for you both. Anyway she became nasty to me during the vacation. I think she was jealous of what we had because she went from being a great friend to finding all these things wrong with me all of a sudden. It hurt very deeply. If you have time could you share with me if you think I was right about the emotional part. I feel confused by her and your post did kinda tell me I was right, but I would love your input. I love your blog and I wish I got by more often to comment
Thanks,
Janet :)