Sunday, May 24, 2009

Control....

...exactly who is controlling who?

I have a few questions that will most definitely stir up some deep inner thoughts! They will also give you an idea of just how controlling your relationship is or could be. No one likes to be in a relationship where they feel controlled by their partner, it is very unhealthy and usually ends up being very unhappy. There truly is a fine line between love and hate when there is a controlling partner in the relationship. The only person that we have any right to control is ourselves!

Life is too short to settle for anything especially when it comes to relationships. There is way to much to risk when it comes to matters of the heart. For warned is for armed...I have always believed that fact to be very true. Relationships are one of the most valued parts of our lives and we invest a lot of our minds and souls into them. So why would you not want to be 100% prepared before you take that initial step into waters that could be so treacherous and overwhelming?

How many people fall for another instantly because of looks or a social atmosphere at the time? Too many.

So to have a list of questions to ponder will not only awaken what is going on in your relationship right now, but they will also be very effective in preparing you for what you should not ignore or settle with in your future relationships.

These questions are designed to challenge your.......


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64 comments:

askcherlock said...

Control is a serious issue, isn't it? I think it is actually a subtle form of abuse. Too many women get caught in this trap, then look around to see where their identity has gone. Relationships should be give and take. Compromise is a good thing, but if it is always one-sided, it is a detriment not only to the relationship but to the personal growth of the one being squelched. Wouldn't it be wonderful if unconditional love was dominant in all our relationships? Unfortunately, too often it is not. So often women give in so that they can be the glue of the partnership, when in reality they are becoming unglued. It is a dangerous precedent to set for our daughters. Once again, D, you have brought a critical issue to the fore.

Thinkinfyou said...

WOW! You put that very well. What a great service you're doing for society with your blog.

joe-ann said...

great thoughts D, it's really reflecting. Relationships are not always easy but when there's love then everything will follow. I think as long as we have the respect and trust for our partners then we can never reach to the point of controlling our partner or the other way around.

""rare*jonRez"" said...

very nice and informative post, as usual!

it's good to be reminded once a while, especially us women, that a good and successful relationship comes out when both parties have the same level of self-control towards everything that concerns the relationship. i am fortunate that me and my hubby have the same level of it, though we differ in achievements and skills, we both consider each of our own unique abilities and i don't think one of us is more controlling with certain things. :) we both are open about all things and even self-control is an issue that we discuss on most of the times so it helps big time! :)

BC Doan said...

You gave many thought provoking questions to think about..

This is a great post for couples to go through and exam their relationship to see where they could improve, or work on!

EK4zone said...

wow, nice blog..
have a nice day, with smile..:D

Mommy Kennedy said...

You always have such a great way to get us to ask questions of ourselves! Very thought provoking!

Just stopping by to drop my EC.

Feel free to come back to my blog. I just posted a giveaway for a coupon for a FREE appetizer at TGI Friday's!

http://thefrugalkennedys.blogspot.com/2009/05/free-appetizer-coupon-giveaway.html

Thanks again for helping us get a little insight to ourselves!

Stephanie M said...

Great post - very applicable to everyone in a relationship because its something we probably all encounter at one time or another!! Thanks.

Veronica Lee said...

I'm sooo totally with Thinkinfyou. You have such a great blog.

gleenn said...

A response question to this post is, "What if it's not you that is controlling but your partner? And what if you love that partner but seem not to know how to address it? What if somehow, you contribute to that behavior of him? What's the best move to do?" In my situation, I'm a person who juggles a lot of thing at ones: a very demanding job - teaching Mathematics in an International school, training/coaching a debate team, preparing for public speaking participants, extra tutorials, writing, blogging and love life. My boyfriend feels left out and so he resolves to controlling which eventually end up to fights. And as an effort to avoid fights, I tend to steal time for other activities such as blogging. So I guess this controlling issue has a bottom line and not always the insecurity thingy :)

vanilla said...

Control is sometime mistakenly seen as act of love and care, which is wrong. Good one Dorothy.

dmathholic writing said...

When you CONTROL your thoughts, then you control your feelings!

You can`t control what goes on outside, but you can always control what goes on inside!

i like...

Dorothy L said...

@ Gleen..
Those Questions that you pose basically tell me that you already know that this relationship is unbalanced.

Your priorities right now do not include a relationship.

His reacting in a controlling manner may be out of jealousy (insecurities) or it may be that he uses it as it is what gets your attention (immaturity)... in turn he does it because he can and it works.

Any person that feels the need to resort to a controlling habit in a relationship should not be there. They are not ready to accept and appreciate the other person on their own ground (equal respect). It is vital that both partners understand the others needs and decisions.

A controlling habit is like any other addictive habit ...If you give into the controller...you are in a sense contributing...yes and that puts you in the position of being the enabler.

How do you address this issue....well you can do several things...you can try to discuss it....write a letter describing your love but at the same time your worries about his reactions.

A controller in a relationship may or may not identify with what they are doing. If they do identify with it and continue...they will not change as they do not want to change...they believe they are justified in their reasoning.

Being in a relationship with a controlling person is very close to being in an abusive relationship depending on the severity of the control.

Is there a bottom line to a person who exhibits control in a relationship?
Yes there is...they will only do it because they can!!!

The minute you step up to bat with a bully...you immediately change the game rules and they will turn away or resort to violence which in that case it is definitely time to end that relationship or seek professional help.
If you ignore them and fill your time with even more things apart from him...that will only heighten the need to control and or make things a lot worse.
Each individual is different and has different needs. It is very important in choosing your partner that you both respect each others work, ideas, decisions and goals.

~D~

viveca from FatigueBeGone! said...

Control is all about fear.

Over the past year I have been very fearful about a family relationship. This fear was driving a wedge between my husband and myself as I was become increasingly critical and unhappy with him.

Then I remembered that "choice" word and how this world is full of helpful people.
Just telling my husband that I wanted/needed us to get family counseling started changing the game for both of us.

The doc we worked with has been very helpful. If anyone else is feeling stuck, hopeless and out of ideas --- hire a pro. Don't be shy about asking for what you need.

Cheers!

Viveca

forex system said...

nice blog..keep posting a good information..

TwoPageAfro said...

Just blog hopping! Have a great day too :D

Alicia aka "Fashiona" said...

I am control in my professional life but not so much in my personal life. I have yet to run someones pockets or slash any tires. But I am also still unmarried.

shengy said...

my friend happens to like this site too..tnx dorothy

ShedLife said...

i agree with shengy...tnx a lot

Karen said...

Nice post to ponder. I can relate to it in the positive way.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to ask you what a woman should do if they found out that his spouse is communicating with his ex and telling that he's with the woman he never loved and that he will love his ex yesterday, today and tomorrow?
hope to get response to this. thanks

BlackBerry said...

Hello, Ms D. It's me. Sorry to not come here earlier (right after you commenting on my blog).Things got a lil' bit out of hand for me lately. As to my name, you can call me Dion. While for this post, what can I say...hehehe, if only my GF saw this...bullseye!

orange said...

i like this article

schizoshrink said...

i love this post! makes me think...

Wenko the Great said...

For 10 years I have been married to my husband and I must say that there will always be a power struggle in every partnership. But let me share a quote from my fave author Dr. Wayne Dyer...

As long as you want power, you can't have it. The minute you don't want power, you'll have more than you ever dreamed possible.

I guess it is a give and take thing. To always have the upperhand is not exactly healthy.You can always tell your partner how you feel so that he will know what's bothering you but of course it's not okay to nag and complain all the time. You just have to respect and get to know your partner through time and learn how to compromise and find a middle ground. Prayer helps A LOT too and fear of the Lord.

Good luck ladies! Thanks Dorothy!

Wenko
DeathToMyCreditCards.blogspot.com

michael said...

very interesting article! :-)

Dorothy L said...

@Anonymous~asked~

"I'd like to ask you what a woman should do if they found out that his spouse is communicating with his ex and telling that he's with the woman he never loved and that he will love his ex yesterday, today and tomorrow?"

Jeesh...should I stay or should I go?
So many ask this question and there are so many reasons to do either when it comes to relationships.
Many of us will justify and deny for years because we fear leaving for whatever reason. Others will leave out of fear...fear of investing any more time in a relationship that to them seems unhealthy.
We all have different tolerances in how much we will accept from our partners.

In this situation...being that the facts are true...I do not know why anyone would want to stay with another knowing there is no love.

The again...
He could just be saying this to his ex to keep her communicating with him. Some people need others attention to feed their own self-esteem. Even at that this should be addressed.

He could also mean that his ex was his first love and there will be no other like it.(every love is different)
Again why would anyone still be saying anything of the sort to an ex...unless there is an interest in reuniting with them.

There are many other possible reasons for him saying that.

Answer these questions honestly....
Do you believe what he said to be true?
How is he treating you?
Are you happy with your relationship aside from this statement?
Do you love him enough to try and work this out?

I would most definitely have a discussion with him regarding your feelings. Communication is a must in everything.

These are my thoughts!
~D~

genial said...

hi there...
greetings from Jakarta Indonesia :)
have a great day to you :)

The Wandering Scotsman said...

I am guilty as charged of so many of the issues that you have raised in your superb article. And the worst thing is that my own self control is sometimes unbelievable bad.

I will take on board your pointers and try harder in my new relationship....

affa said...

very nice and informative post, as usualy

heheh its very important to my wife

thanks

i s said...

Nice post blog, friend!

'When you CONTROL your thoughts, then you control your feelings!'...I like that tagged!

Visit me and support with your comment!
Thanks!

Ailurophile said...

Very well said indeed. A thought provoking and interesting post like the others. Loved the images you posted on Mother's Day.

Keep up with these wise and great posts :)

Reviewer said...

This is very informative. A long read but it's worth it.

joy said...

hi ! thanks for posting those questions, it made me stop and evaluate my relationship and reflect whether i'm in a controling relationship or not.take care.

Doctor Faustroll said...

Ah, reminds me of the time I got fired for putting up a poster in my cube that said: hug them if they can't take a joke.

I understand that women need self-esteem because what did God put them here for besides spitting out defective offspring and hunting around for sperm donors to help them do it?

I don't like people in general of any sexual persuasion or orientation and have no desire to control or be controlled by them.

You didn't by chance participate in the development of enhanced interrogation techniques that I have been studying recently? If you did, can you give me the location of Insignificant Dick Cheney's secret bunker. Biden wasn't particularly helpful for coordinating my GPS.

If not can you please forward this comment to someone who can help me track down the evil ones and attach electrodes to their soft parts?

Doctor Faustroll said...

Ah, reminds me of the time I got fired for putting up a poster in my cube that said: hug them if they can't take a joke.

I understand that women need self-esteem because what did God put them here for besides spitting out defective offspring and hunting around for sperm donors to help them do it?

I don't like people in general of any sexual persuasion or orientation and have no desire to control or be controlled by them.

You didn't by chance participate in the development of enhanced interrogation techniques that I have been studying recently? If you did, can you give me the location of Insignificant Dick Cheney's secret bunker. Biden wasn't particularly helpful for coordinating my GPS.

If not can you please forward this comment to someone who can help me track down the evil ones and attach electrodes to their soft parts?

Suara Petualang said...

wow...nice control artcle my friend....

by the way, please visit my blog & give coment on recen post of my blog.

thanks before...

shaine said...

nice thoughts, i enjoy reading it.

i will share this to my friends, thanks for sharing dorothy.

(^.^)

Breast and Beauty said...

Someone have to control their self but if not maybe their partner can do. I think it's depend on the situation and matter...the relationship fundamental is "believe each other", so if it was happen, we will know what will happen next.

askcherlock said...

Hmmm, Doc thinks women were put here "for spitting out defective offspring"? Never mind the sperm donor part. I would suggest that "Doc" has a real control issue. Not only that, but he does not like anyone of any sexual persuasion or orientation. What is he, a eunuch? I am no arm-chair psychologist, but I would say that "Doc" is a danger to himself and others and probably enjoys waterboarding people or possibly being waterboarded. Check the dictionary for the word sociopath. This is what I found:

not learning from experience
no sense of responsibility
inability to form meaningful relationships
inability to control impulses
lack of moral sense
chronically antisocial behavior
no change in behavior after punishment
emotional immaturity
lack of guilt
self-centeredness

If the shoe fits, Doc...

ame said...

GREAT POST !! REALLY !! for me.. relationship is like a rose.. beautiful and can encourage each other yet hurt and fragile.. your post say it all ! wow.. I don't know what I have to say.. good job! :)

Spicybugz said...

I really enjoy reading your blog, but I seldom have the time to comment. This was a great post and a good reminder about learning to control our own thoughts and feelings.

bilarboy said...

keep it up

raksaka nala said...

sexually attracted to someone is human nature, but the reason human diffrent with animal, human has powerful brain to control and manage his/her nature then we a better than animal. I agree with you

Hi! I'm Grace said...

Hi Dorothy, I agree with askcherlock; Control is a serious issue. Sometimes I hate that.
Anyway, I am so happy to be here again.
How is your weekend? :)

♀ simply luz ♀ said...

very nice and informative post D. i love reading ur blog honestly...

big hug;)

sexy legs and body said...

Dorothy, great post!! I have to admit, I do look at other women, but I also look at airplanes, love women because I am a man and that is my nature as a male, I love airplanes, but only to look at, now I feel the same about women as i feel about airplanes, love to look at them, but I have absolutely no desire to "ride" on them at all (shit scared of flying, same with women). I do not have to check my wife's phone for msges, we have a very open relationship, she reads my mail and my blog from time to time, which I like as I do not have anything to hide, and she will never smell my clothes to find out if I had been anywhere I should not be. I do not mind if she thinks someone is good looking or sexy and I would sometimes even ask her if someone walking past is sexy to her (all guys are more or less ugly to me) but she in turn would also point out a good looking girl and comment on her looks. Now I know I am a very lucky guy, as my wife is 17 years younger than me, but we have an excellent relationship and I am very grateful for that. Thanks for the post, makes one think and take score. I also have to maybe add, if things in your relationship goes well and you fullfill each other's needs etc, there is no reason why any of the partners should want another relationship.
Colin.

Gorgeous MUM said...

Hello! I just want to thank you for always taking time to drop by! I do appreciate it!

Have a good day!

Body said...

Between love and hate is a Commitment.

twoh said...

Well, first lets we look on ourself. We often loose control of our emotion, become so angry only for a little problem. became angry didn't solve the problem, angry only make its become more worst.. So I think we should have a better self-controlling and have better respect and love to everything. Because love can conquer everything, everybody, and bring us the good enjoying feeling.

Nb: thanks for linking to my blog:)

Tina T said...

What an amazing amount of insights here. I know a lot of women in controlling relationships who mistake the control the man exercises over them as devotion.

I'm going to post this on my FriendFeed in the hopes that they'll go through your list of questions and hopefully have a revelation when they realize how many they answer with a yes.

David Funk said...

Dorothy, this is very well done and said. As some have said, it definitely effects not only the relationship between the two, but those around it especially if children are involved.

Nonetheless, relationships are supposed to be two-way streets not one-way.

You really covered the bases so well with this entry. Now you can touch them all because you hit a home run with this entry my dear friend!

the dog said...

nice blog.. wowww... i like it

eden said...

great and informative post.a nice one to read for both couple.

Tey said...

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Nocturnoes said...

your post will give lot of inspiration for couples. Great Post

hs said...

emotion is very important

ediretnati said...

I can't control myself very well..... it's very difficult thing that I should do....

pie said...

Hopping in to wish you a terrific weekend. :)

alotstuff said...

nice blog and have lots of stuff here.........

http://bollywoodsprings.blogspot.com

Clarissa said...

relations shouldn't be of controlling--we have to respect and trust our partners if you want to be treated the same way.

Gem said...

This is sometimes one of the things that I would not like to happen to me - too much control too in any relationship (not just couples) is destroys the relationship.

Thanks for sharing.

n3os said...

if we can cronrol everything in our live ....success , exactly.

Hitsuke said...

wow,,Nice post...
 
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